The Book of (Holiday) Awesome Read online

  AMY EINHORN BOOKS

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  Copyright © 2011 by Neil Pasricha

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Purchase only authorized editions. Published simultaneously in Canada

  “Amy Einhorn Books” and the “ae” design are registered trademarks belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Pasricha, Neil.

  The book of (holiday) awesome / Neil Pasricha.

  p. cm.

  ISBN : 978-1-101-56555-1

  1. Christmas—Humor. 2. Holidays—Humor. I. Title.

  PN6231.C36P

  818’.602—dc23

  All photos from iStock (istockphoto.com) with the exception of “When the wrapping paper lines up perfectly” by Leslie Richardson, “When the Christmas tree gives the only light in the room” by Ben Crossley, “When you can actually hear it snowing” by Sam Javanrouh, “When your gelt melts perfectly in your mouth instead of in the wrapper” by Liz West, and “Intense post-Halloween candy trades” by Thane Plambeck. Thanks to all of them for their beautiful images.

  While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

  Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-AWESOME!

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  Version_2

  Contents

  Title Page

  Copyright

  So what’s this all about?

  Getting a Christmas card from someone you thought you lost touch with

  Walking into a grocery store and seeing the first shipment of eggnog

  Plugging in your Christmas lights from last year and having them all work

  When that kid crying in the mall isn’t your kid

  That moment near the holidays when there’s suddenly cookies, chocolate, and candy everywhere

  Getting the person you have a crush on for office Secret Santa

  The first big snowfall of the season

  When the neighbor shovels your little patch of the sidewalk

  When strangers wish you happy holidays

  Eating all the chocolates in your Advent calendar at once

  The smell of a fresh Christmas tree

  Pulling out that old box of Christmas ornaments from when you were a kid

  When construction cranes get Christmas lights on them

  Finally finding the start of this stupid roll of tape

  Looking through the little window in the oven

  Flipping channels and stumbling on that one Christmas special you loved as a kid

  Eating the first freshly baked cookie from the oven even though it’s way too hot

  When the wrapping paper lines up perfectly when you go to tape it

  Forgetting you ordered a gift online and then having it randomly show up

  The Holiday Party Save

  Driving around town to see all the Christmas lights

  Wrapping a gift to make it look like something else

  The Super Present Power Shop

  When there’s no line at the mall to meet Santa Claus

  Just barely wrapping a gift with that tiny scrap of leftover paper

  Real bearded Santas

  Nailing the perfect move in a board game on Christmas Eve

  Staring into a fire

  When the Christmas tree gives the only light in the room

  When you can actually hear it snowing

  Waking up and realizing it’s Christmas

  Ripping your present open like a wild animal

  When the gift receipt is already in the box

  Trying on your new clothes as soon as you unwrap them

  Staying in your pajamas all day

  The In-law Nap

  Drinking with Grandma

  Putting a Santa hat on your pet or grandparent

  Sucking in your stomach just before the family photo is taken

  Drinking anything besides wine out of a wine glass

  Taking off your pants after the fourth helping

  When your guests do the dishes even after you told them not to

  Successfully regifting a present to someone who wants it

  When they finally stop playing Christmas songs on the radio

  When the in-laws leave

  Getting seven more days of presents than your friends who celebrate Christmas

  Eating anything with oil in it

  When your gelt melts perfectly in your mouth instead of in the wrapper

  Drinking from the same cup as all your relatives

  Knowing that your holiday is worth more Scrabble points than any other holiday

  The sound of a cork popping

  Watching bartenders work really fast

  Saying “See you next year!” to everyone on New Year’s Eve and then laughing hysterically

  Actually knowing more than three words of that New Year’s song

  The last ten seconds of the year

  Staying up so late that everything becomes funny

  Not getting a hangover when you were expecting to get one

  Catching someone you love admiring you from across the room

  When your third grade arch nemesis gives you a Valentine’s Day card

  Getting a dinner reservation even though you waited till the last minute

  Getting homemade coupons for foot massages and favorite dinners

  Hearing someone’s heartbeat

  Not getting extra-small lingerie as a present

  Being single and just enjoying it

  Claiming that you’re an eighth Irish

  Your friend’s horrible Irish accent

  When Shamrock Shakes suddenly appear at McDonald’s

  Giving up something really easy for Lent

  When mom buys the solid chocolate instead of the hollow chocolate

  Stocking up on clearance chocolate the week after Easter

  Finding a hidden chocolate egg way after Easter

  Getting served breakfast in bed

  Cool moms

  Your mom’s love

  Getting homemade crafts from your kids

  Total control over the remote

  When s
omeone else mows the lawn

  Actually finding a good present for dad

  Big crowds enjoying big fireworks together

  Catching the ice cream truck

  Really, really selling it while barbecuing

  Driving around with the windows down on late summer nights

  The moment on a road trip when you’re really far from where you started and really far from where you’re going

  Boat waving

  Watching the Christmas episode of your favorite sitcom in the completely wrong month

  Digging out your own little wading pool in the sand when you’re at the beach

  Skinny-dipping somewhere you shouldn’t be

  Lighting firecrackers and eating greasy foods with your family

  Hilarious last minute Halloween costumes

  That one house on your street that gets really, really into Halloween

  Strategic trick-or-treating

  Intense post-Halloween candy trades

  Getting the emergency exit row on the airplane when you’re heading home

  The Kids Table

  Digging a hole in your mashed potatoes and filling it up with gravy

  Getting the bigger half of the wishbone

  Getting away with putting three desserts on your plate

  The Turkey Coma

  Singing the national anthem with a big crowd

  The loudest guy at the game

  When your favorite football team is in the big nationally televised game

  The Echo Meal

  Getting through it

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  My Awesome Things

  WHAT’S YOUR AWESOME THING

  Teaser from THE HAPPINESS EQUATION

  So what’s this all about?

  Holidays are stressful.

  Long shopping lists, tricky travel, and visiting in-laws all snowball into busy weeks of blood-boiling bliss. When that tree’s wedged up high, when the presents are all wrapped, when the party dress is squeezed on . . . well, sometimes you just want eggnog and a nap.

  And that’s when I hope you’ll flip open The Book of (Holiday) Awesome for a little escape between gravy boats and Christmas lights, between holiday baking and board game nights. Flip it open when you’re tired, flip it open when you’re mad, flip it open to feel festive, flip it open to feel glad.

  Because holidays give us great breaks and holidays give us great times. They’re full of family moments and little chances to unwind. From the big banging moments at the end of the year to the little ones in the spring and the fall, it’s fun bouncing through them with loved ones, and fun bouncing through them at all. Sometimes between Christmas card stresses and dinnertime messes, it’s easy to forget we’re celebrating some pretty big things: the birth of a country, a time to remember, a day to give thanks, or a Monday off in September.

  So let your brain drift back to good memories, let your mind enjoy old times, let your body slip into the awesome, and let yourself relax and unwind.

  I hope you have a very awesome holiday.

  Love,

  Neil

  Getting a Christmas card from someone you thought you lost touch with

  Surprise!

  Your friendship is alive.

  When the clock starts ticking and you scatter and splatter in distant directions, sometimes it seems like life’s bumps and deflections sever ties and cut you off from the world.

  Maybe kids arrived and you moved away, maybe college came and you left for the day, maybe your job got changed or you argued and fought, maybe time just rolled on and you stayed in the same spot.

  But somehow that thick black line of friendship slowly faded and went away. Somehow the phone calls stopped coming as tomorrow became today.

  And then! Out of nowhere! When you open a card and see the familiar cursive of an old friend . . . well, it’s like a little light in your heart is finally flickering again.

  Your eyes pop and jaw drops as you salivate and soak up every word of that little package of love. And between the lines of job updates and the words about the kids is an even bigger message hidden right below the lid.

  It says: “I’d like to get together again. I remember our laughs and know how busy we’ve been. But I hope you agree that, since life’s short and always wavering, it’s even more important our friendship is worth enjoying . . . and worth savoring.”

  AWESOME!

  Walking into a grocery store and seeing the first shipment of eggnog

  My buddy Mike’s a sugar rat.

  Whenever I visit his apartment downtown we end up ordering pizza, watching old movies, and playing video games. And when we’re done snacking I always turn to him and say, “Hey man, you got any chocolate or anything?” We’re close, me and Mike, and have long passed the point where we’re too polite to only eat when we’re offered food. I’ll hunt around the man’s fridge like it’s my own and I expect him to do the same.

  Now the funny thing is that when I ask him, Mike usually just heads to the kitchen and starts hunting through cupboards of really, really old Tupperware, under stale half loaves of bread at the bottom of the freezer, and behind dusty food processors above the fridge. Yes, he hunts until he pulls out a surprise pack of unopened Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups or peels the lid off a brand new tub of ice cream.

  My buddy Mike’s a sugar rat.

  See, he doesn’t trust himself to have the good stuff in view, so he hides it in the cracks and corners of his place and hopes he’ll forget it. This is known as the Out Of Sight, Out Of Mind Diet Plan, and it seems to work wonders for him. After all, he doesn’t gorge himself on candy bars that much, and whenever a sweet-toothed pal is jonesing for a fix, he just goes hunting until he finds the gold.

  I think Mike’s whole theory is the same one behind the entire eggnog industry.

  Just think! They’re saying “Here, enjoy this deliciously sweet and creamy drink, but—ah ah ah! You can only have it in December. Here, grind some cinnamon on top, spike it with rum, break out the crystal punch glasses for a sugary surprise in your mouth, but—ah ah ah! There’s none available in the new year.”

  And thank goodness, thank gracious, thank God for that.

  Because if we drank eggnog all the time we’d get pretty fat.

  AWESOME!

  Plugging in your Christmas lights from last year and having them all work

  Whether you swirl strings of lights around your front hedges, line them up perfectly around the roof, or use them as a glittery frame around your garage door, you know as well as I do that one dead bulb dims the whole scene.

  That’s why it’s a beautiful moment when you peel open that musty cardboard box in the basement, untie that tightly wound ball of glass-and-wire knots, and plug them in for the great big show.

  When the bulbs are all sparkling it’s time to get the whole neighborhood shining in a shimmering little moment of

  AWESOME!

  When that kid crying in the mall isn’t your kid

  There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned holiday hissy fit in an elbow-to-elbow packed mall to help soothe your fraying nerves.

  Whether it’s the snotty-nosed toddler wailing on Santa’s lap, the sweaty snowsuit screamer on the floor of the toys section, or your everyday baby bawler yelling to the food court heavens, it doesn’t matter.

  It’s just a migraine moment in the middle of mall mayhem.

  And whether you’re taking care of your baby brother, babysitting the neighbors, or wheeling around your own mutant offspring, we’ve all been there. We all know the stress, we see the staring eyes, we all know the pain, and . . . we do sympathize.

  But it’s still great when that kid crying in the mall just isn’t your kid.

  Hark! The herald angels sing.

  Glory to the kid free king.

  AWESOME!

  That moment near the holidays when there’s suddenly cookies, chocolate, and candy everywhere

  Roll those rum balls, sprinkle sparkles on the shortbre
ad, and dump the bulk bag of candy canes in the crystal dish by the secretary’s desk.

  If we’re gonna get fat, let’s get fat together.

  AWESOME!

  Getting the person you have a crush on for office Secret Santa

  I work in an office.

  Crystal bowls of red jelly beans, snowman ties, and festive cheer all spring up in the cubicle hallways as the holidays get near. And sure, sure, holidays are about big love, family time, and being at home, but it’s fun getting in the mood with the folks we spend our days with too.

  And nothing says Christmas Is Coming more than the classic Secret Santa moment at your workplace. We all drop our names into a bowl and everyone picks one out of the pot to buy them a little present within the five or ten dollar budget.

  Getting the person you have a crush on for your office Secret Santa is a beautiful moment. When you unfold the paper and reveal the object of your desire, suddenly you’ve got an excuse to send a signal to someone you’ve been flirting with all year.

  Yes, now’s the time to ditch the movie gift certificates, box of chocolates, and stuffed animals in Christmas hats and send them a little bit of love. Of course, the big question is—how? Here are three tips for some festive love: 1. Ban the briefs. Sending sexy lingerie or a bottle of cologne packaged in a box with a sweaty six-pack on the cover is way overboard. Coming across as the Christmas Pervert will get you on the Naughty List.

  2. Be a spy. What’s their favorite coffee? Where do they eat lunch? What do they do on weekends? Talk to their friends, see what’s on their desk, and try to give them something personal that shows you know them.

  3. Make it a pair. A home run could be including time together as part of your present. Try a classy “Homemade Lunch” in the cafeteria where you bust out your Grandma’s famous meatball recipe, or how about a set of coupons for “Five Free Coffee Runs,” where they get to join you for donuts down the street.