The Book of (Holiday) Awesome Read online

  AWESOME!

  The moment on a road trip when you’re really far from where you started and really far from where you’re going

  Do you know that rickety bridge scene from the movies?

  Violins screech and kettle drums swell as our hero tiptoes across a dangerous rope bridge swinging wildly over a dark canyon at the pulsing climax of the film. The audience gasps and grips their armrests as she kicks a loose plank and the camera painfully watches it whip and shatter against the rocky cliffside before falling into the deep river rapids below.

  But after some tense moments, there’s a beautiful wide shot of our hero stepping slowly past the saggy midpoint of that flimsy bridge . . . and that’s when she first commits to going all the way. Turning back isn’t a shortcut anymore, turning back isn’t an option, and so she firms those lips, steadies those hips, and plows forward with steely-eyed determination till she gets to the other side.

  Scenes like that remind me of hitting that beautiful middle-of-nowhere midpoint on a summer road trip. After you packed your bags, coolers, and kids, you had the guts to zoom out of your neighborhood in the middle of the heat. Now you’re a highway explorer whipping past barns and water towers, twiddling onto distant radio stations, and staring up at a whole new world just a few feet away . . .

  AWESOME!

  Boat waving

  If you’re lucky, your summer holidays can include cottage time, beach vacations, or sailing way out into the ocean.

  And when you’re out on the water, don’t forget the rules of the sea.

  If you’re on a boat you must wave to anyone who waves at you from another boat, you must wave to anyone who waves at you from land, and you must initiate waving to as many other boats as possible.

  The only way you can avoid these rules is if you’re a dog, or a pirate, or both.

  AWESOME!

  Watching the Christmas episode of your favorite sitcom in the completely wrong month

  Thank you for being a friend.

  When you’re crashing into the couch in the cold basement and flicking on the TV screen, there’s nothing as nice as being surrounded by your favorite pals in familiar places. Yes, there really is something great about bumping into the Christmas special in the completely wrong time of the year.

  Whether Kevin’s got to find a Christmas gift for Winnie, George battles his Festivus demons, or the Tanner family gets stranded at the airport on Christmas Eve, well . . . it’s a sprinkle of Christmas spirit in the middle of your July.

  Those Christmas specials usually feature the full cast of characters, surprise music interludes, and huggy closing scenes that zoom out to snowflakes falling past frosty windows and flickering red lights strung across rooftops. Christmas episodes remind us where we were when we first saw them and give us a surprise dose of holiday family values right when we least expect it.

  Christmas episode, your heart is true.

  You’re a pal and a confidant.

  AWESOME!

  Digging out your own little wading pool in the sand when you’re at the beach

  Life begins with climate control.

  Since we first hung woolly mammoth furs from forest branches, we’ve gotten used to getting comfy when we settle in somewhere. Just look at babies in those curly fetal poses in their flannel onesies, look at them napping in sun hats and shades in strollers, look at them cuddling up to mom in cozy carry-ons.

  Folks, it’s like I always say: We can learn much from The Baby.

  Digging out your own little wading pool in the sand when you’re at the beach is another beautiful moment of climate control. You strip down because you’re hot, take a dip to cool off, chill out in the sand . . . and are suddenly hot again. Now it’s time to get digging and fill your in-ground Sand Chair with water to cool off those nether regions so you can relax and have it both ways.

  AWESOME!

  Skinny-dipping somewhere you shouldn’t be

  You were meant to be naked.

  After swimming in a stomach, you came out crying in a new world full of harsh lights, surgical masks, and cold tables. A couple minutes later you were quickly covered in plastic, wool, and cotton, but you never forgot.

  You never forgot.

  Yes, you’ve been in clothes for years, you’ve been in clothes since that day, you’ve been wearing socks forever, you’ve been wearing shoes the same way.

  But . . . sometimes pants are a pain and shirts are a mess and life’s just a lot better when you’re completely undressed.

  You were meant to be naked.

  You came here without clothes.

  You were meant to be naked.

  And sometimes you gotta go back to what you know.

  Stripping in the hot tub, jumping off the dock, slipping your swimming trunks off, and showing the world your . . . confidence.

  Yes, I say just be out there and be happy, be out there and rewind, just get naked and relax, get naked . . . and forget time.

  AWESOME!

  Lighting firecrackers and eating greasy foods with your family

  How’s your Diwali education?

  Forgive me, but mine needs brushing up, so here goes.

  Diwali is a five-day festival of lights that includes spicing up your pad with lamps and candles, lighting firecrackers, eating treats and sweets, and trading gifts during some serious family time.

  Hindus, Sikhs, Jains, and anyone who loves a good party all enjoy the festival in October or November, depending on when it lines up with the Hindu calendar. Although it’s most commonly celebrated in South Asian communities, like most parties that have been raging for thousands of years it’s popular all over our spinning rock.

  See, a guy named Valmiki wrote an epic poem almost three thousand years ago called Ramayana, which forms the basis of the holiday. Oh, and by the way, this epic poem is truly epic—the entire thing is 27,000 verses and fills up seven books! I’m not sure, but I think if you read it all you get your face up on the wall of the library and a mesh hat reading “I can’t believe I read the whole thing.”

  In the story, the main character Lord Rama is sent to live in the forest for fourteen years by his father. But everyone loved Rama so they waited the fourteen years out, while he hung out with his brother Lakshmana and his wife Sita. It was kind of a slumber party under the stars until the evil demon king Ravana kidnapped Sita and stole her away to an island. Thankfully, Rama had a little help from his friends like big Hanuman, and he eventually managed to defeat Ravana and return home.

  So Diwali is the festival of lights that commemorates Lord Rama’s return. To celebrate his defeat of Ravana, the townspeople burst firecrackers, lit up houses, and decked out the entire city in lights to help him find his way.

  These days Diwali is marked by the same lights, which serve to represent the victory of good over evil within every person. Yes, it’s time to get together with friends and family, stuff your face with samosas, and enjoy a big rowdy day full of

  AWESOME!

  Hilarious last minute Halloween costumes

  Back at college, I remember walking up to my friend Mike’s house on Halloween and seeing him frantically painting bright red briefs onto a pair of nice blue jeans. He was really going at it, too—slapping the wet brush all over the crotch and pockets, wagging his tongue out like a dog.

  Of course, an hour later he showed up to the party as Superman. And though he didn’t leap any tall buildings in a single bound, he did manage to drink most of the punch bowl faster than a speeding bullet.

  More important, his last minute Halloween costume got us all laughing. Some of the best ones do that.• Professional baseball player. This is where you dig through your closet and peel out that old sweat-smelling jersey and orange foam hat from Little League. Throw on your baseball glove and paint some thick black lines under your eyes and you’re good to go.

  • Sandwich. My friend Brian once slapped a piece of bread on his chest and another on his back and went as a sandwich. You’ve heard of a q
uarter pounder, right? Well, this was a two-hundred pounder.

  • Vending machine. Here’s where you duct-tape little bags of chips and chocolate bars all over your body. If your party’s working properly, they’ll be ripped off you within ten minutes of getting there.

  • The random closet mish-mash with a funny name. You’ve got a purple tie, dark shades, and leather pants, so you go as a Club-Going Comedian With A Black Eye. You’ve got a bridesmaid dress, oven mitts, and a tiara, so you go as Lounge Singer Baking Cookies For A Bachelorette Party. You get the idea.

  • Jabba the Hutt. Time to laze around on the couch in a green sleeping bag.

  • The Walk of Shame. Simply wear a man’s shirt over your dress clothes, mess up your hair, and hold a pair of high heels in your hand. For guys, try a backward, inside-out shirt, sideways bedhead, and your shoes on the wrong feet.

  • A Terrible Record Collection. My friend Alec once bought a milk crate of old records for a quarter from a garage sale. They were in horrible condition, but the price was right, so he took them home. For Halloween, he safety-pinned most of them on himself and went as A Terrible Record Collection. It was a good laugh, but since he couldn’t really move, he ended up spending most of the party whisper-singing “Monster Mash” to himself on a futon.

  • Grapes. Boy, if you’ve got some purple or green balloons lying around, have we got a costume for you.

  • Yourself. This is where you arrive at the party completely unprepared, but rather than fess up you just tell people you’re going as yourself this year. Then whenever someone says, “But that’s not a costume,” you say, “Maybe it is . . .” and give them a really exaggerated wink.

  Okay listen, when somebody puts an amazing amount of time and effort into a kick-ass costume, that’s worth celebrating. Nobody here denies that. All we’re saying today is if you manage to scramble around your house at the last minute and get us all laughing with your hilariously creative costume, then that’s completely admirable.

  It’s simply commendable.

  It’s downright respectable.

  And we all know it’s just totally

  AWESOME!

  That one house on your street that gets really, really into Halloween

  What level are you?

  Level 0. Real cobwebs, one pumpkin lying on the porch that isn’t carved, lollipops in a popcorn bowl.

  Level 1. Fake stringy cobwebs across the front door, carved jack-o-lantern lying on the porch, plastic Halloween-themed sign on the door, mini candy bars handed out of a giant plastic orange pumpkin.

  Level 2. Fake stringy cobwebs everywhere with giant black plastic spiders on them, more than two jack-o-lanterns on the porch with real candles flickering inside, creepy music of creaky doors and rattling chains playing through the window, candy handed out by someone wearing a Scream mask or long black cape, a pretend dead guy in a patio chair on the porch who turns out to be real when you get close to him.

  Level 3. Garage transformed into haunted house featuring actual black cat, more than three jack-o-lanterns carved into detailed works of art, orange and black lightbulbs up the walk, full candy bars handed out by Halloween philanthropists in makeup and costumes, entire lawn transformed into graveyard with cardboard gravestones reading things like “Here lies good ol’ Colorblind Fred, thought the lights were green when they were red,” a pretend dead guy in a patio chair who actually turns out to be pretend because there’s another guy hiding in the bushes behind you who actually scares you, fog machine.

  AWESOME!

  Strategic trick-or-treating

  Trick-or-treating ain’t no game.

  No, it’s a life lesson in goal-setting, planning, and tactical execution. Kids who master trick-or-treating go on to become successful world leaders. Kids who don’t could possibly also do the same, but with less chocolate to show for it. The point is that chocolate is delicious, and you should fill your pillowcase with as much of it as possible. You just have to master the Five Rules of Strategic Trick-or-Treating first:5. Mo’ money, mo’ problems. In terms of where to go trick-or-treating, there’s always a lot of chatter about getting a ride over to the rich neighborhood for the big score. People would have you believe that the rich enjoy lavishing children with unopened boxes of Twinkies and full cases of root beer. But that’s a lie! Rich people got rich by being cheap, and their massive front yards will just slow you down. That’s right, you’ll be navigating wrought-iron fences, duck-shaped hedges, and koi ponds instead of ringing doorbells. Instead, aim for the new neighborhood with little kids and the all-important densely packed homes.

  4. Bag the bag. If you’re lugging around a hard neon orange jack-o-lantern then you’re dead before you’ve even gone around the street. Nope, you need to go for volume, durability, and handles. Some people swear by the pillowcase, but what you gain in volume you lose in convenience. Wrist cramps and Santa-Claus-like sack-lugging are no way to run up and down the block. Go for a sturdy bag that can withstand being tossed over a fence or wrestled away from a dog.

  3. Dress for success. Trick-or-treating is a race against the clock, so set yourself up for success by wearing running shoes and avoiding masks that affect your visibility. No ballet slippers, high heels, or sandals. No robes, capes, or togas. And none of those cheap plastic masks from the dollar store that attach with a thin elastic and a couple of staples. Basically, keep simplifying your costume and then timing yourself running up and down the basement stairs until you’ve found a winner. If in doubt, go as Carl Lewis.

  2. Partner up. It will be tempting to form a trick-or-treating posse and move from door to door as one big, shifty amoeba of fluorescent tape and face paint. Resist that temptation. The amoeba will cause two problems: First, the group will travel at the speed of the slowest member. That means one kid with flat feet and asthma ruins everyone’s night. Secondly, a big group triggers the rationing instinct in the person handing out candy. They become overwhelmed and default to the “One for you, one for you” candy-for-everyone technique. You don’t want that. So instead, you need to pick one partner. Qualifications for that lucky someone include a low resting heart rate, winning smile, and really cute costume. The last one is key. The costume must trigger the “Aren’t you adorable!” reflex, which inspires extra candy. The gold standard here is a fit toddler in a ladybug costume with new Reeboks.

  1. Timing is everything. The last rule is all about the three key stages of Halloween candy collecting. Times may vary depending where you’re from, but they go something like this:• The 4–6 pm Start-up: You must be very active and running around here, before the street gets too busy. This is your time to hit the houses at the peak of their inventory levels, when they may hand out more because of excess supply or poor foresight.

  • The 6–7 pm Rest Up: This is when the streets are their busiest. Don’t get caught in other people’s amoebas. Now’s the time to go home and dump out the bag and refresh the face paint. Also, it’s a good time to hit your local fast food joints. McDonald’s is usually pretty generous.

  • The 7–9 pm Cleanup: Now it’s all about picking up the scraps. Some houses will be left with too much candy and they’ll start giving handfuls instead of fingerfuls. Others will feel guilty about running out and start handing out creative treats from their kitchen, like cups of pudding or boxes of Jell-O powder. The Cleanup stage is a real test of your cardio fitness levels, as many houses will have turned out their lights by now, forcing you to zigzag the street in search of the remaining bounty.

  Now that you’ve got a game plan, just remember to keep it clean out there. Under cover of night and camouflage face paint, some folks venture into the murky trick-or-treating ethical gray zone. Stay away from these folks, because while they’re telling people it’s their birthday too, collecting a second bag for a “sick sibling at home,” or bodychecking toddlers into bushes on their way up the walk, you can rest knowing that you came out to play by the rules.

  And you won.

  AWESOME!<
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  Intense post-Halloween candy trades

  You came, you dressed up, you conquered.

  Now you’re walking around with bloodshot eyes and a gumball headache as you pack princess costumes into boxes, peel decorations off the door, and get ready for the important business of sorting through your loot.

  Yes, it is time for you to focus. FOCUS. Work through that Halloween hangover and steady your nerves, because it’s time to strike some big deals. Maybe a candy currency system even emerges amongst all your siblings and friends.

  Large size chocolate bar: 20 points

  Loot bag full of assorted treats: +/–15 points depending on size of bag

  Fun-size chips or Doritos: 10 points

  Homemade popcorn ball: 6 points

  Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup: 5 points (especially valuable if special Halloween version)

  All other mini candy bars: 4 points

  Little pack of fuzzy peaches or sour gummies: 4 points

  Cake items such as Twinkies: 3 points

  Two-pack of rock-hard gum: 2 points

  Licorice: 2 points

  Caramels from a big well-known caramel company: 2 points

  Lollipops: 2 points (Note: Possible points premium for large sizes or rare rainbow-colored lollipops.)

  Lollipops with chewy stuff in the middle: Either 1 point or –2 points, depending on whether you have braces

  Caramels in clear plastic wrap that are overly sticky and have no name on them and taste like burnt sugar: 1 point