The Book of (Holiday) Awesome Read online

  Wrapping a gift to make it look like something else

  I was a mystery gifter.

  Yes, when I was little I would throw a handful of rocks in a cardboard box from Sears together with a handwritten note saying “Free backrub!” or “This piece of paper entitles the bearer to me cleaning their room.” My sister Nina would shake my mystery box under the tree before she excitedly opened it on Christmas morning.

  Of course, most of the time she was disappointed to find she was ruthlessly deceived, but my homemade gift certificates generally made up for it. “You know, that wasn’t very nice of you,” she’d say as I karate-chopped her shoulder blades. “Ooohhh, right there, right there. Bit lower. Mmmm.”

  Nina and my parents got into the game over time and I began receiving gift cards wrapped in jewel cases and Sega Game Gear games wrapped to look like a tie.

  Wrapping a gift to make it look like something else helps keep the surprise a surprise. It’s a fun way to save some excitement for the day and sprinkles Christmas morning with a surprising little dose of

  AWESOME!

  The Super Present Power Shop

  You’re running late.

  When it’s almost Christmas and there’s nothing under the tree, it’s time to furrow your brows, steady your glare, and clench those fists for a big Super Present Power Shop.

  Yes, this is where you burst into the mall in a sweatshirt-and-running-shoes tornado and spin around at high speeds until successfully finding something for everyone on your list.

  Black Friday’s long gone, online delivery windows are closed, and now it’s crunch time. Here are some tips to pulling it off:• Good parkin’ is good startin’. Circling the frozen tundra in lot WW is a fool’s game. No, you need to find the secret YMCA entrance, get a drop-off and pickup, or arrive ten minutes before doors open to score a front spot. Don’t forget the Parking Lot Pull Through.

  • Skip the coat, grab the kicks. Leave your winter jacket in the trunk and sprint across the icy lot to the front door, because thirty seconds of frozen lungs is worth avoiding three hours of overheating. Plus, those running shoes will help you run and dive for the last Baby Farts-A-Lot in the toy store.

  • Plug in. Stuff some headphones in your ears and rock out to 2 Unlimited or Technotronic to stay motivated. Remember: Nothing slows you down more than hearing “Santa Baby” for the third time in an hour, so pump up the jam and let’s move this.

  • Couples for couples. If you have couples on your list, just divide the number of gifts by two. Beer mug for him, wine glasses for her? No, martini shaker for both. You get the idea.

  • Close your list, open your mind. Focus is important, so jot down your names and ideas before hitting the stores. Just make sure to leave your mind open for things to jump off the shelves. Breath mints, People magazines, and IKEA golf pencils all make lovely stocking stuffers.

  • Bag a monster. It’s important to ask the first store you visit for the largest bags they have. They should go fishing for a couple minutes and pull out the king-sized ones normally reserved for toaster ovens and dehumidifiers. Use that monster to eat everything else you buy all day.

  Okay, listen, listen—these are just a few tips to get you going. As you start perfecting your Power Shop you’ll grow more advanced techniques, like stuffing your pockets with peanut butter sandwiches, phoning for inventory checks while waiting in lines, and buying someone a sled so you can drag all your presents from shop to shop.

  But no matter what kind of Power Shop you pull off, one thing’s for sure: When you crash back into your couch surrounded by full bags and a crossed-off list, well . . . it’s time to unclench your muscles, droop your eyes, and smile slowly at your mall-conquering moment of

  AWESOME!

  When there’s no line at the mall to meet Santa Claus

  Did you sit on Santa when you were a kid?

  If so, I’m guessing your festive picture doesn’t show the two hours your parents waited in Cardboard Candyland lineups for you to jump on his lap. Crying babies by the food court and toddler pee on the carpeted floor are cropped out of your magical memory.

  But they were there!

  When there’s no line to meet Santa, it means your Saturday can keep chugging without a blistering headache in the middle of the mall. So get your kid on that knee and photoflash that big smile, because the holidays are busy and it’s time to keep moving and keep grooving, baby.

  AWESOME!

  Just barely wrapping a gift with that tiny scrap of leftover paper

  Thanks, jewelry box, random bar of soap, and chocolate orange.

  You came through in the clutch to help use the final shredded scrap of wrap.

  AWESOME!

  Real bearded Santas

  Rare is the Santa Claus who can earnestly grow that full lion’s mane of bright white hair. But I’m sorry, it’s what We The People demand. Fake beards on Santa Claus are an insult. They mock the jolly Christmas cheer, like a wreath made out of lettuce, a gingerbread house made of saltines, or a turkey made out of Tofurky.

  So let’s get one thing straight, Kringle: Grow the real beard or don’t apply at the mall.

  It’s that simple.

  AWESOME!

  Nailing the perfect move in a board game on Christmas Eve

  Holiday time is board game time.

  I think it’s because there’s just something quiet and old-fashioned about opening the dusty closet and pulling out the old family favorites from yesteryear. With ages spread across the spectrum, board games are a great equalizer. Plus, buzzing ringtones and email beeps fade to silence as families across the country cuddle up to open those old boxes. Pencils with broken leads, yellowed instructions, and faded homemade scorecards litter the box and make it look like that clattery kitchen drawer of assorted knickknacks. Take a deep breath and sniff up a familiar musty scent that takes you way, way back.

  Now personally, I’m terrible at board games.

  Look at me: trying to roll doubles to bust outta jail, putting down bill or door on a no-word score, and frantically stabbing my pencil at my scribbly drawing over and over while the hourglass sand drips down. You see, this is why I love those rare moments when even I manage to nail a perfect board game move during Family Night. Settle down beside the Christmas tree, pour a glass of eggnog, and grab a plate of homemade cookies before going back with some of these classic moves:10. When your brother challenges a word you made up in Scrabble and it ends up being a real word. Thanks for your giant, nonsensical vocabulary, Scrabble Dictionary . We’ll take op, pe, or xi to the bank any day.

  9. Eating the last marble in Hungry Hungry Hippos. When the game begins it’s a gobble, gobble, give mom a headache feeding frenzy. But when there’s only one white marble spinning around, everything turns into goosebump-popping, eyebrow-furrowing strategy and wit. Make your move and calmly splash back into the river.

  8. Suddenly noticing you got a surprise diagonal in Connect Four. When you realize you won the game, make sure you throw your nose in the air, give a slow and evil smile, and calmly pet your cat. This was your plan all along.

  7. Becoming a doctor in The Game of LIFE. When you land on the top salary spot, you’re laughing for the rest of the game. Just make sure your station wagon doesn’t topple off the side of the mountain, spilling your pink and blue kids everywhere.

  6. When your mom figures out that bumpy lump of purple clay you’re molding in Cranium is actually a cheeseburger. Good work, Michelangelo.

  5. Guessing your Grandma’s Mastermind combination in three tries. Even though it’s usually a fluke, make sure you take a minute to stare absently at the ping-pong table and daydream about life as a professional code breaker.

  4. Actually using the horse to kill off a major player in chess. That legless knight never seems very powerful until the moment you realize he’s in trampling distance of a big kill. Make sure you use the piece to purposefully whack your opponent across the room and, for extra fun, let out an obnoxious whinn
y.

  3. Using the stock answer for a Trivial Pursuit category and getting the pie piece. Thanks for saving the day Michael Jordan, Marlon Brando, or nitrogen.

  2. Coming up with a lie so good in Balderdash that when they’re all read out you almost believe your own definition is the real one. You’re at the top of your game, so enjoy the moment and get ready to reel in some suckers.

  1. Rolling double sixes in Monopoly and landing between the other guy’s Park Place and Boardwalk hotels. Good move skipping the five-star joints in favor of crashing on Baltic Avenue. The kids didn’t need a swimming pool or HBO anyway.

  People, you know it and I know it: These Perfect Board Game Moments can change the game and knock your sister straight outta the living room. They’re beautiful little breaks in the middle of tense moments that fill holiday Family Night with a great big shot of

  AWESOME!

  Staring into a fire

  Check out the sun.

  It’s just a big ball of fire swirling high in the sky.

  Plants, heat, life, pretty sunsets—damn girl, that’s some good deals for free.

  Yes, we owe a lot to that friendly fireball, so it’s no wonder one of the Greatest Things We Ever Did was make fire in its likeness here on Earth. So first up, let’s just stop for a moment today and close our eyes to say, “Good job, cavemen.”

  Now these days whether you’re sitting on a wet log around a smoky campfire, cuddling on the couch on Christmas Eve, or cooking up dinner on the grill, it sure is easy to get mesmerized by the flames.

  Stare into the red hot heat as it crackles and pops before your eyes. Watch as licks and curls unfurl and swirl in a twisted dance of fiery flames. Let the heat wash over you as those beautiful shapes flicker in a neverending show of lights. There is a rhythm and beat to the movement, but at the same time it’s just . . . natural and free.

  Staring into a fire warms your eyes . . . and your heart. Sometimes it comes with tea and hot chocolate, squished slippers , and good conversation. Sometimes it comes with ocean waves and wind whispering through trees under a dimming pink sky. Sometimes it comes at the cottage, sometimes it comes at the park, sometimes it comes in the morning, sometimes it comes when it’s dark . . .

  But whenever you’re lucky enough to transplant your brain to the center of the flames, it’s always an escape from the world . . . and always an escape into

  AWESOME!

  When the Christmas tree gives the only light in the room

  Turn out the lights.

  Pull the curtains open and watch as jumbo snowflakes drift past the window, snow-covered kids walk by dragging sleds, and winter winds whisper through the evergreens.

  Smell the turkey crisping in the oven, listen to scratchy carols spinning in your head, and hear footsteps from the family slowly come together in front of the sparkling tree . . .

  Swipe your daughter’s bangs as she lies in your lap, smile at Grandpa sipping eggnog on the ottoman, or cuddle up with your cousins in a pile of cozy blankets and comfy sweats on the couch.

  Sip that crystal glass of eggnog, sniff the pine of the tree, and relax and share a quiet moment of bliss with someone touching your hands . . . or your heart.

  AWESOME!

  When you can actually hear it snowing

  Just listen.

  When the white sky splits and the big flakes fall, there’s a certain peaceful calm that covers everything like a blanket. Floating flurries flutter and fly past dull yellow streetlamps before covering coats and cars in a thin layer of icing. Whistling winds fade to whispers and street beeps get muffled into the slowed-down scene in front of you.

  Yes, when snowflakes blow those brake lights glow and everything slows into

  AWESOME!

  Waking up and realizing it’s Christmas

  After waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting . . . It’s finally here.

  AWESOME!

  Ripping your present open like a wild animal

  First, some apologies.

  We’re sorry, Endurance Wrapper. You spent thirty minutes getting the present just right with your scissor-frilled ribbons, crisply folded corners, and those adorable little bows. You put time in and we didn’t respect that with our raccoon-with-rabies slaughtering of your gift.

  We’re sorry, Auntie Paper Collector. We know you quietly collect all the discarded bows and paper and fold it into little piles to use for next year. Nobody minds the creased 1990s sun-faded reindeer wrapping paper because we know you’re saving money and the planet. But this time we didn’t leave you with much. Unless you’re collecting saliva-smeared scraps, squashed boxes, and torn bows.

  We’re sorry, Garbage Collecting Dad. We see you trudging around the family room with the World’s Lightest Garbage Bag, scooping up all the tiny bits of tissue paper and sticky ripped price tags. We know your job would be a lot easier if all presents moved to a Gift Bag Only Policy.

  We are very, very sorry to you all.

  And now that we’ve apologized our conscience is clear.

  Because the truth is we love ripping open presents like a drugged-up reindeer.

  AWESOME!

  When the gift receipt is already in the box

  ALF was a great TV show.

  But let’s be honest—you may not want to own the wisecracking, cat-eating alien’s first three seasons on DVD.

  So if you land ALF, or a shot glass chess set, or a gelato maker, or a sweater that doesn’t fit you, or the Classic Concentration board game, then you may find yourself saying “Oh thank you, it’s just what I always wanted,” when you’re actually thinking “Oh thank you, it’s just what I never wanted.”

  That’s why it’s great when you see the gift receipt just lying in the box after you pull out
the gift. You avoid the awkward “It’s okay if you don’t like it” (No, no, I do), “I wasn’t sure if it was something you wanted” (No, no, it is), “They have it in black too if you don’t like green” (No, no, I like green), or “I can give you the receipt if you don’t like it” (No, no, I like it) conversations.

  Yes, when the gift receipt is already in the box, there are no questions asked, no questions answered. It’s just sitting there, a secret wink, a private head nod, a quiet understanding between you and the very kind, very generous, very thoughtful person who gave you the present.

  AWESOME!

  Trying on your new clothes as soon as you unwrap them

  Stiff creases, unhemmed pants, and itchy tags can’t dent your mood.

  Now it’s time to change real fast, clear the kitchen runway, and strut your stuff in a private fashion show for your friends and family.

  And dog.

  AWESOME!

  Staying in your pajamas all day

  It’s a rare treat.

  Maybe it’s that lazy Sunday after Christmas with a hot coffee, fat paper, and dusty sunlight beaming through the windows. Or maybe it’s the Friday sick day where you leave the glasses on, tie the ponytail up, and lounge around in a robe watching soaps with the cat. Or maybe it’s Christmas Day after presents, cuddling up with the kids and watching movies before turkey dinner.

  Sure, sometimes you wake up without firm plans to stay in your pajamas all day. Maybe you have some errands, a lunch date, or a grocery list. But sometimes those plans hit the ground and you pass The Pajama Point of No Return—that moment where you suddenly realize you’re too close to bedtime to worry about getting ready for the day.

  Yes, once in a while, once in a moment, maybe just once a year, it’s fun to have a super chilled-out lazy You Day full of peaceful relaxing in some warm and comfy clothes.