The Book of (Holiday) Awesome Read online

  AWESOME!

  The In-law Nap

  The In-law Nap is any nap you manage to pull off at the in-law’s house. As long as it’s not during Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas present unwrapping, or while the birthday cake is served, it is a completely legal nap and fully counts as spending quality time visiting the in-laws.

  Whether you skip out on setting the table, ditch helping with the dishes, or just miss a couple hours playing cards with Grandma . . . it doesn’t matter.

  All that matters is you pulled it off.

  Yes, you answered a phony cell phone call in the other room for twenty minutes, you snuck into the kids’ fort and fell asleep in the cushion barracks, or you hid on a pile of jackets and scraggly blankets in the spare bedroom.

  All that matters is you pulled it off.

  All that matters is that you’re

  AWESOME!

  Drinking with Grandma

  It’s time for some intergenerational egg nogging.

  Get ready to light the Yule log, sail the gravy boat, and get your eighty-five pound grandmother a sloshy glass of rummy nog.

  Now, whatever your age, whatever your tastes, whatever your pleasures, whatever your fates, let’s all agree on one thing today: Grabbing an occasional festive drink with your mom’s mom or your son’s son bridges boundaries and crosses divides.

  Once upon a time, your Grandma used to boogie. Once upon a time, your Grandma threw it down. Yes, I’m saying before you danced on tables, she danced on them too. And before you learned to twist off, she was guzzling brews.

  So when the holidays hit and the families combine, it’s time to bring out the punch bowl and time to have a good time. Because we’re not here forever and we’re not here very long. We don’t get many chances, so toss one back before Granny’s gone.

  I never knew my grandparents, but I heard stories they were great . . . so I know if they were here we’d party hard before it got too late.

  AWESOME!

  Putting a Santa hat on your pet or grandparent

  It’s party time.

  And those Christmas sweaters are just the beginning.

  I mean sure, tossing on a thick woolly for the holiday party is a sure way to spread the cheer—especially if your sweater features hypnotic swirls of red and green, a giant floating snowman head, or an intense action sequence of Santa flying his reindeer through a blizzard.

  But to really get that party going and that eggnog flowing, you’ve got to crank it up a notch. Yes, we’re talking about tossing a Santa cap on your golden retriever or Grandpa, we’re talking about tossing one on your Labradoodle or Grandma, and we’re talking about everyone donning their gay apparel to whip this holiday bash into a whole new level of

  AWESOME!

  Sucking in your stomach just before the family photo is taken

  When someone whips out a camera, it’s time to suck it in, baby. Eye the trigger finger and pull in when they push down. After all, maybe there’s a six-pack under that stained and baggy T-shirt. I mean, we have no reason to suspect a jiggly bowl of jelly belly or anything.

  There’s just no proof.

  AWESOME!

  Drinking anything besides wine out of a wine glass

  Suddenly your milk gets classy, your orange juice gets refined, and your chocolate milk feels more sophisticated. When you’re a kid you suddenly go from ten years old to thirty and can legally show up at The Kids Table with heavily slicked and parted hair, a handkerchief puffing out of your pocket, and cuff links.

  AWESOME!

  Taking off your pants after the fourth helping

  Cavemen didn’t wear jeans.

  Nope, hiding from mammoths, bashing saber-toothed skulls, and setting up the cave was tough enough without furry leg warmers chafing their hairy thighs.

  And it wasn’t just them either: Free-legs living was The Thing To Do for the past hundred thousand years, until a bunch of horse-riding Persians invented pants back in the sixth century BCE. Presumably, they were sick of getting back-of-the-horse burn from bumpy rides and frustrated with the poor selection of creams and lotions at their local Megamart. But hey, if you were riding horses in the nude, I’m sure you’d agree with wearing all pants all the time too.

  Flash forward to today and pants are a massive worldwide hit. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, it’s pants, pants, pants. Togas, kilts, skirts—they tried, they tried, but they just couldn’t find the secret key to international popularity.

  Nowadays we wear pants for warmth at the ice rink, hygiene on the subway car, or denim paper towels in the basement bathroom bar.

  But even though they’re handy and helpful, pants have a downside too: Yes, I’m talking about crotch creases, tight belts, and ass-jammy wallets all day. Sure, maybe you’re used to them, maybe you’ve accepted pants-wearing, but maybe sometimes . . . sometimes . . . sometimes . . . they just get in the way.

  If you’re with me, say hey.

  If you’re with me, stop today.

  If you’re with me . . . it’s okay.

  Because you know how great it feels enjoying that moment of sweet release when your legs finally bust free of the shackles of everyday living. When you finish that fourth helping of Christmas dinner, it’s time to slap open the heavy buckle, unzip that tight fly, and collapse backward onto your couch as you sloppily kick-peel that pair of tight jeans down and off your fabulous legs.

  Just maybe wait for Grandma to go home first.

  Next time you take your pants off, make sure to stop for a moment and let your legs see the light . . . let them feel the air . . . and let them enjoy being beautifully free and naked and

  AWESOME!

  When your guests do the dishes even after you told them not to

  It’s time for Christmas dinner.

  Yes, sweaty and flushed, you run around baking bread and breaking eggs before that doorbell bing-bongs, the guests ping-pong, and everyone sits down to eat up your delicious holiday meal.

  Of course, you enjoy the dinner—you love it, it’s great—but you don’t really enjoy it. No, you’re running around refilling glasses, folding napkins, scooping seconds, warming pies. You’re cleaning crumbs, wiping babies, and keeping an eye on The Kids Table. While everyone sits and chats, you’re a Tasmanian devil of dining room insanity, whipping into a whirlwind and making sure everyone enjoys their meal.

  By the end, you’re completely and utterly exhausted. Your bones are bleeding, your skin is stinging, and your body is aching for a tender hug from a cushy couch.

  That’s why it’s great when your guests offer to do the dishes after the meal.

  “No, no, no,” you say. “Sit down, sit down, sit down.”

  But they insist, but you insist, but they insist, but you insist, but they insist . . . and then finally you just stare back at them with hollow, broken eyes and give up.

  Now you crash-land on the couch, listening to carols as your guests fill the sink and bubble up the suds. And what a beautiful moment of sweet relief it is when you walk back in there and see everything sparklingly clean.

  Plus, for the rest of the week you get to enjoy the Treasure Hunt that comes with finding your own dishes in all the wrong cupboards. But it’s no big deal, so just smile and enjoy those Gravy Boat Rescue Missions and Wooden Spoon Search Parties with a smile.

  Yes, this one goes out to guests who wash the dishes even after we told them not to. Today we say thanks for the love, thanks for the memories, and thanks for scrubbing the crusty stuffing dish.

  AWESOME!

  Successfully regifting a present to someone who wants it

  What do cellophane-wrapped mugs of mini candy canes, Season 3 of Mr. Belvedere on VHS, and framed photos of someone else’s dog have in common?

  They’re just what we never wanted.

  But that’s okay, that’s okay—because someone else might! Yes, now it’s time for some Regifting Magic, people. It’s time to regift like you’ve never regifted before. You’re a regifting machine
if you follow these three steps to freedom:1. Smile sweetly. Never look a gift horse in the mouth. Instead, look them in the eyes while saying thank you over and over. You may also find it helpful to practice these lines (for these items): “I’ve been meaning to try that place!” (gift card to Taco Bell), “How did you know I liked this shade of green?!” (puke green sweater), and “It’s perfect, it’s perfect—honestly, how have I even been wearing shoes all these years?!” (shoehorn).

  2. Add it to your gifts-to-give pile. When you get home, make sure to write a thank-you card promptly and then toss the gift in the closet with your motorized self-twirling spaghetti fork, Streetlamps of the World page-a-day calendar, and novelty light-up ceramic angel. Let your inventory bulk up a bit so you’ve got good regift variety, and be sure to hide the stash from future regiftees. Post-it Notes with the name of the person who gave it to you can also help prevent the dreaded Boomerang Gift. Don’t let it happen to you.

  3. Annnnnnd . . . regift! Remember that one man’s trash is another man’s treasure. When you look at it this way, it feels like you’re doing very important gift-giving charity work. You’re a misfit present coordinator! Now, you need to be about 90 percent sure the regiftee will love the present. After all, there’s nothing wrong with gift cards to Taco Bell and light-up ceramic angels. It’s just that one goes to your backward-cap skateboarding rascal of a little cousin and the other goes to your Grandma who loves tacos.

  AWESOME!

  When they finally stop playing Christmas songs on the radio

  Because at some point we all stop caring what Bing Crosby is dreaming about.

  AWESOME!

  When the in-laws leave

  Now, now.

  Don’t get us wrong.

  It’s great filling the home with hugs and love and holiday joy. Everyone loves Grandpas and Grandmas and brand new toys. Yes, family fills living rooms with laughter, basements with board games, and kitchens with kisses.

  But let’s be honest—holiday guests come with a bit of holiday stress too.

  Mall hopping and last-minute shopping, wrapping boxes of fancy chocolates, cooking suppers without taking uppers—yes, it adds up to memories and it adds up to fun, but we’re saying it’s also okay when the visit is done.

  It’s beautiful opening your hearts and your home to the people you love.

  But it’s beautiful kissing goodbye and getting your place back too.

  AWESOME!

  Getting seven more days of presents than your friends who celebrate Christmas

  How’s your Hanukkah education?

  Forgive me, but mine needs brushing up, so here goes.

  Hanukkah is an eight-night celebration that includes lighting the candles of the menorah (candleholder), playing with the dreidel (four-sided spinning die), eating latkes (homemade McDonald’s hash browns), receiving Hanukkah gelt (cash or chocolate coins), and scoring presents.

  See, about two thousand years ago a Syrian king named Antiochus IV began to outlaw Jewish religious practices. As if having a Roman numeral in his name weren’t badass enough, this guy had his henchmen trash a Jewish temple in Jerusalem and erect an idol of a Greek god there. Look, I don’t know where you stand on religion, but I think we can all agree that building your own church right on top of someone else’s isn’t very nice.

  Some Jewish folks took exception and began a famous rebellion where they fought back and reclaimed the temple. They wanted to rededicate it, but couldn’t find enough oil to light the menorah. They needed a few bottles of the good stuff but only found one, so they just said, “Oh well, whatever!” and used it up.

  Miracle of miracles, the one bottle of oil lasted eight nights, which gave them time to produce more oil. This is why Hanukkah takes place over eight days and each night is commemorated by lighting the eight candles of the menorah one by one.

  And just think about that for a second.

  Eight nights!

  These days, a lot of Jewish folks trade gifts every night of the holiday. And though it’s clearly not just what the holiday is about, there’s something sweet about giving presents, trading love, and showing your family how much they mean to you for eight days in a row.

  So today we say thank you, oil miracle of thousands of years ago.

  Thank you for giving us seven more days of gifts than our friends.

  AWESOME!

  Eating anything with oil in it

  I was chatting with my friend Jon the other day and he said his favorite part of Hanukkah is the fact that the holiday embraces eating anything with oil in it. “See, we’re celebrating the oil lasting eight days,” he said, smiling. “So we deep-fry the crap out of everything in the name of religious freedom.”

  Hey, that seems like a great way to justify a wobbly tower of potato latkes to me. I love those greasy little pancakes of grated potatoes, egg, and flour just as much as I love jelly-filled donuts, which are conveniently another Hanukkah treat.

  But by Jon’s count, if we’re celebrating the grease there should be no stopping there. We started talking about funnel cakes, french fries, and those deep-fried Mars bars you find at the fair. We talked about extra-crispy chicken, gooey mozzarella sticks, and those fish and chips that soak through the paper bag.v

  Eating anything with oil in it is a great way to enjoy Hanukkah.

  So let’s all tuck in a napkin and celebrate.

  AWESOME!

  When your gelt melts perfectly in your mouth instead of in the wrapper

  Kids get gelt for Hanukkah.

  It comes in the form of presents, cash, or gold foil–wrapped chocolate coins that look like they came from a birthday loot bag. Nope, they can’t fit into a slot machine or be traded for goods and services, but those little chocolate coins are great for gambling in dreidel games or just gobbling right up.

  Unfortunately, the chocolate has a tendency to melt in warm hands, hot rooms, or sunny backyards. And nobody likes slow-peeling the melty brown surprise and licking the messy chocolate out of it. It’s just too much work for some foil-tasting chocolate and tongue cuts.

  But that’s why it’s a beautiful moment when your gelt melts perfectly in your mouth instead of in the wrapper.

  Happy Hanukkah, tongue.

  AWESOME!

  Drinking from the same cup as all your relatives

  How’s your Kwanzaa education?

  Forgive me, but mine needs brushing up, so here goes.

  Kwanzaa is a weeklong holiday, from December 26th to January 1st each year, honoring African-American heritage and culture. Like most other holidays, the theme once again is parties and plenty of them. Lighting candles, swapping presents, and feasting like mad are part of the fun.

  Now, Kwanzaa isn’t steeped in traditions from thousands of years ago. Nope, a guy named Ron Karenga just up and invented Kwanzaa in 1966! Poof, just like that—one year, no Kwanzaa, the next year, Kwanzaa. Let’s let him inspire all future Holiday Inventors of the world! Ron said he just wanted to “give Blacks an opportunity to celebrate themselves and their history.” So he wrote down a list of seven principles that each of the seven days are meant to honor: unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity, and faith.

  These days, Kwanzaa is a big party with ceremonies including decorating your house with colorful cloths and fresh fruit, wishing one another a “Joyous Kwanzaa!” and drinking from a big shared cup called a Kikombe cha Umoja. This is a nicely decorated cup filled with wine or grape juice, and it’s passed from oldest to youngest at the dinner party, with each person saying a blessing to the person before them.

  I say drinking from the same cup as all your relatives is a great idea for a few big reasons:1. Catch the cold. Because when the six-year-old brings a runny nose and sneezes home from kindergarten, we’re all getting it anyway. May as well get exposed to the bugs from the get-go instead of dragging out the pain.

  2. Muzzle crazy uncles. Now instead of pouring their fifth glass o
f wine and getting into long-winded conspiracy theory rants, they’ll be forced to share a cup of grape juice with the teens.

  3. Fewer dishes for Grandma. Instead of slaving over a sink full of dirty cups and wine glasses, she’ll just put her feet up and enjoy a Kwanzaa Coma as we all spill into the basement for video games and ping-pong.

  Drinking from the same cup as all your relatives on Kwanzaa is a beautiful moment.

  So keep passing it around and sipping up the

  AWESOME!

  Knowing that your holiday is worth more Scrabble points than any other holiday

  Sorry Christmas, Hanukkah, Diwali, Eid, and Easter.

  Kwanzaa’s got you beat.

  Triple word or bust.

  AWESOME!

  The sound of a cork popping

  Here comes the party.

  When you hear the champagne cork pop out and the bubbly start fizzing, it means it’s time for some wet pours and lots of bubbles in the glass. We’re not first class, just a rowdy gang of friends looking to bring in the new year with a great night.

  Let’s get started.

  AWESOME!

  Watching bartenders work really fast

  It’s more than a pour.

  Watching a bartender work really fast is like staring through the factory glass and seeing all the whirring parts bump and grind before your beautiful finished drink pops out. Yes, you’re the foreman in a hard hat standing with a clipboard and a smile watching all the bells ring, springs spring, and assembly lines ding before a glass full of ice, cherries, and umbrellas appears before your eyes.