The Book of (Holiday) Awesome Read online

  Now, there are some key moves mastered by most really, really fast bartenders:1. Throwing things. There’s no time to place the bottle cap in the trash can, so it’s important to fling it off the mirror and let it Plinko down between all the vodka and peach schnapps bottles on the bar.

  2. Absolutely no talking. In a way really, really fast bartenders are like really, really fast mimes. Usually they’ll raise their eyebrows or put their ear in for the order and then immediately start slicing lemons, stirring glasses, and squeezing taps without speaking. Black clothes and painted teardrops are optional, unless you’re in a goth bar.

  3. No official measurements. Forget the rules, because really, really fast bartenders trust their eyeballs and know their mix ratios cold.

  4. The Lineup Pour. When you order three of the same drink, it’s a classic move to squeeze the glasses together and just fill them up in one slowly moving pour. This move goes up a notch when their free hand is popping lemon wedges on the rim too. Watch out for sloppy bar puddles.

  Yes, when you watch a bartender work really fast, you’re seeing an expert in action. Bands play and people scream while they move in almost silent worlds in the middle of loud crowds. Eyes are focused, feet are fleet, and hands are steady in these beautifully intense scenes of quick pours, expert fills, and fast and furious moments of

  AWESOME!

  Saying “See you next year!” to everyone on New Year’s Eve and then laughing hysterically

  You crack us up.

  Never stop being you.

  AWESOME!

  Actually knowing more than three words of that New Year’s song

  Listen up, songwriters.

  It’s high time one of you grabbed a pen and paper and scribbled out a new song for New Year’s. Because when the ball drops and the glasses clink, we’re all standing between streamers stumbling through a few words from “Auld Lang Syne.” No offense to Robert Burns, but I bet when he wrote the famous poem back in 1788 he wasn’t planning on folks around the world holding hands at midnight and singing it hundreds of years later.

  Usually when I’m singing it with a group, it sort of sounds like “Should old acquaintance be forgot and naaaaaa, na-na na naaaaaa . . . Should naaaaa, na-na na, naaaaaaa na na an-nd ollllllld lang’s eyes.”

  Until we get a new song, our only solution is actually knowing more than three words of the one we’ve got. Here, lemme do us both a favor and print them here for a cheat sheet. Just a few extra words will keep it going.

  Pull out this book on New Year’s and kick it off on a high note.

  AWESOME!

  CHEAT SHEET!

  Should old acquaintance be forgot,

  and never brought to mind?

  Should old acquaintance be forgot,

  and old lang syne?

  CHORUS:

  For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

  And surely you’ll buy your pint cup!

  and surely I’ll buy mine!

  And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,

  for auld lang syne.

  CHORUS

  We two have run about the slopes,

  and picked the daisies fine;

  But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,

  since auld lang syne.

  CHORUS

  We two have paddled in the stream,

  from morning sun till dine;

  But seas between us broad have roared

  since auld lang syne.

  CHORUS

  And there’s a hand my trusty friend!

  And give us a hand o’ thine!

  And we’ll take a right good-will draught,

  for auld lang syne.

  CHORUS

  The last ten seconds of the year

  Ten!

  Nine!

  Eight!

  Seven!

  Six!

  Five!

  Four!

  Three!

  Two!

  One!

  AWESOME!

  Staying up so late that everything becomes funny

  Midnight is long gone.

  You hid out in the basement during the grown-up party, you squeezed sleeping bags together with high school pals after the ball dropped, or you crash-landed on the corduroy couch with your college roommates when the bar finally said, “Happy New Year! Now go home.”

  Either way, it’s time to face facts: You’re up way too late. Your eyes burn a bit, your head spaces out, random arms or legs start throbbing, and maybe your scalp gets really, really, really, really itchy. Point is, you’ve ignored your body’s Go to Sleep signals for hours, so now you’re hunched over a walking stick, squinting deep into the foggy darkness of four, five, six in the morning.

  The good news is your brain has developed just the system to charge you up with extra juice and help you power through. Yes, we’re talking about massively lowered Standards of Hilarity , which help make everything funny. Someone steps on a Styrofoam plate of chip crumbs or kicks a can of Coke onto the carpet, and suddenly everyone looks up at one another with tired raccoon eyes and . . . just starts cracking up.

  Late night laughing on New Year’s Eve is a beautiful moment because we’re getting giggles in with good friends. Shot glasses at the bar lie empty, chip bowls are smeared with grease and crumbs, and sleeping bags or pull-outs get wheeled into the scene. All differences dissolve when we realize we’re all part of the same Bleary-eyed Cackling clan—telling bad jokes, laughing till it hurts, and smiling till sunrise.

  AWESOME!

  Not getting a hangover when you were expecting to get one

  Don’t ask me how this happens.

  Sometimes it just happens.

  AWESOME!

  Catching someone you love admiring you from across the room

  Baby, it’s true.

  Toss your mushy clump of skin, blood, and bones together and we get the beautifully strange and wonderful package that combines to form you. Jokes and smarts, stutters and starts, smiles and farts—we’re into your everything even though we probably don’t tell you enough.

  But that’s why it’s a beautiful moment when you glance up from the party chatter or kitchen clatter and catch your valentine smiling silently at you from across the room.

  Maybe it’s the dog head-tilting from the couch as you race to grab your keys and run out the door all stressed, maybe it’s your daughter sneaking a peek in the bathroom mirror as you zip up your dress, or maybe it’s your Grandma smiling with wet eyes as you stick your hands in the cake and make a mess.

  Maybe it’s your little brother smiling from the stands as you come up to home plate, maybe it’s your mom waiting at the train station for you to come through the gate, or maybe it’s your boyfriend staring at the back of the bus at the end of your Valentine’s Day date.

  When you catch those quick and quiet glances, let your heart melt and feel at peace, because you just got told without words that you are admired, you are treasured, and you are loved.

  Happy Valentine’s Day.

  AWESOME!

  When your third grade arch nemesis gives you a Valentine’s Day card

  Did your school have a social ladder?

  My school sure did, and I was sitting pretty on the bottom rung, people. How could I tell? Well, for one thing, I was always picked last for dodgeball in gym class. For some reason, my giant glasses and tiny, spaghetti-noodle arms didn’t inspire the jocks, and they usually took the boy in the wheelchair and the girl with crutches before me. Social status was also on display on the bus—from back to front, from jock to runt, it was a Pyramid of Cool bouncing home from school every day.

  But above all! More than anything! Our social ladder was on display for the great big moment on Valentine’s Day. Yes, long before the One Card For All communist classroom manifesto was enacted, it was all about how many cards you collected on February 14th. That was when Kleenex boxes were tissue-papered with pink hearts and transformed
into delightfully tacky mailboxes hanging from the side of your desk.

  Everyone wore red, white, and pink to school, the teacher brought cupcakes, and soon it was time for the great big moment of racing around the room to drop your paper valentines into people’s paper boxes.

  You could count on getting valentines from a few close friends, but everyone else was a crapshoot. Some people would bring one for everyone. Others forgot completely. And sometimes you’d score a surprise valentine from your third grade arch nemesis that made it all worth it.

  When the kid who shoves you in the mud at recess asks you to be his forever . . . well, that’s a tiny little moment of

  AWESOME!

  Getting a dinner reservation even though you waited till the last minute

  You had big ideas.

  There was the romantic horse ride through the park at dusk followed by a candlelit dinner at the Italian place with checkered tablecloths. Then there was the hand-holding vision you had of smiling in the quiet corner of the stuffy French restaurant while sharing a bottle of champagne and getting two spoons for creme brulee. Then there was just scoring a booth at the Mexican chain for greasy fajitas and lots of sour cream.

  Then there was just getting any reservation anywhere.

  Let’s be honest—despite your best intentions to make a reservation a few weeks ago, you somehow just didn’t pull it off. You meant to, you really meant to, but now you’re stuck sweating and scrambling.

  So you call and you call and you call and you call and you call and then suddenly! Without warning! The new downtown restaurant you’ve both been dying to try has a cancellation! And they can fit you in! And you’re smiling, and you’re excited, and you feel a massive wave of relief suddenly wash over you.

  And she never ever needs to know.

  AWESOME!

  Getting homemade coupons for foot massages and favorite dinners

  Screw Hallmark.

  Those money-squeezing punks have been raking coin for years off our inability to talk about our emotions. I’m saying these landfill-stuffing fat cats won’t get their comeuppance until their five-dollar pieces of pink paper are gone, gone, gone like the wind.

  Because seriously, folks:

  Homemade greeting cards just do the job much better. Writing from the heart, lipstickkissing the sheet, or just saying “I Love You” with a couple colored markers goes so much further than the cursive styl-ings on the drugstore shelf.

  Truly, the only thing that can improve the Homemade Greeting Card Experience is when a couple homemade coupons fall out of it. Yes, scoring “1 free foot massage” or “Your favorite meal, cooked by me” really sweetens the deal and gets the whole night glowing with love.

  Plus you just saved five bucks.

  AWESOME!

  Hearing someone’s heartbeat

  You had a great day.

  You traded sexy texts in the morning, got a homemade greeting card, and found flowers waiting at home.

  Now you’re lying on the grass, lazing on the couch, or relaxing in some crumpled sheets, and you just fall into the moment with the person you love. After the conversation dies down and the background noise fades away, you smile silently and melt into an arms-and-legs embrace. Gaze into their eyes, push your ears to their chest, and then shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

  Just listen.

  AWESOME!

  Not getting extra-small lingerie as a present

  Oh, the relief!

  Love may be blind, but ladies don’t always like testing that theory out while wearing dental floss as underwear.

  AWESOME!

  Being single and just enjoying it

  We see you, we hear you.

  We see those movie endings and we hear those greeting cards. We know the cheesy quotes and we sing those ballads at bars. We feel those preaching choirs and we read those magazine tips. We feel our parents pushing and we hear your chatty lips.

  Yes, we know having a boyfriend is great and we know it’s beautiful and kind. But all we’re saying today, and all we’re trying to prove, is that you don’t need a killer girlfriend to have a killer mood.

  Valentine, let’s chat about ten winning ways to celebrate your solo days:1. Some like it hot. When you’re on your own you’re the master of the tank, and the chances of a random flush scalding your skin are pretty slim. You’re less likely to run out of hot water, so just twist that dial and soak into the zone.

  2. One set of parents. Sure, you lose out on some In-law Naps, but you could gain back holiday budgets, extra bedrooms, and Saturday evenings. (Note to any in-laws reading this: This entry is about other in-laws, not you.)

  3. Take back the night. When you’re bumping around by yourself, there’s no need to worry about making too much noise early or late. Tiptoes, quiet TV watching, and softly shutting doors take a backseat to cranking tunes, late night phone calls, and your big galoomping feet.

  4. Don’t be an ass. Single folks have no obligation to do joint Halloween costumes like Beauty and the Beast or the classic two-person donkey. Because don’t we all feel a little bit sorry for that couple dressed as salt and pepper shakers leaving the party at 10 pm?

  5. Flirt like you mean it. Chitchatting with sparkly objects of your desire is good fun. When you’re single, ditch the guilt and holler at the busty waitress or chiseled cop. Not only is it exciting, but you’re building your social side and meeting new people.

  6. Getting to know you. You’re the only you you’ve got. Born and blasted into the world, you’re a baby brain who flies through life forming crackly connections with everyone you meet. But getting to know yourself through experiences and inner thoughts adds important shapes and smears to your awareness and identity.

  7. Bargain basement holidays. Tap your wallet and smile when you walk by that towering display of heart-filled chocolates and pink teddy bears.

  8. You can get with this or you can get with that. Are you hungry at 11 pm? Get a burger! Are you bored on a Saturday night? Hit the scene! Do you want to free up your busy weekend or busy up your free one? Well, the choice is yours! You can get with this or you can get with that. I think you’ll get with this for this is where it’s at.

  9. Own your bed, own your life. When you’re single the entire bed is yours and you can test a variety of starfish poses, Chun-Li leg-kick positions, or even the extremely bold diagonal sleeping (rarely done).

  10. Embrace your disgusting habits. Clipping your toenails in bed, napping in piles of dirty clothes, or chomping greasy handfuls of potato chips over the sink is fine, fine, fine. The mirror won’t judge you and neither will anybody else.

  So people, let’s hear it for being single if you’re single this Valentine’s Day.

  Exploring the world, finding adventures, and scoping big scenes are hallmarks of being cool with being you. Because look—falling in love is great and falling in love is nice, but that doesn’t mean going solo can’t also be sugar and spice. Good days and bad days, setting suns and shining stars, it’s all about perspective and focusing on who you are. Because if all you need is love, and all love needs is you, then it’s great to relax and enjoy . . . just being you with you.

  AWESOME!

  Claiming that you’re an eighth Irish

  We don’t all have red hair and freckles.

  But if you get a couple pints of Guinness in us, we’re gonna chat your ear off about how if you go back far enough on our mom’s side there was this one great-aunt who was actually born just outside of Dublin.

  AWESOME!

  Your friend’s horrible Irish accent

  It’s your buddy at the office wishing a “Top o’ the morning to ye!” when you get to work. It’s your girlfriend wearing a plastic green hat and ordering a Guinness with a “wee coaster to place it on.” It’s your college pal walking beside you on the way home ranting about how U2, Lucky Charms, and potatoes are underrated.

  Yes, there’s just something hilarious about hearing a friend tell a story with a horrible Irish accent. If
you’re lucky, the terrible impersonation becomes a new joke itself and you end up laughing in a neverending cycle of

  AWESOME!

  When Shamrock Shakes suddenly appear at McDonald’s

  Who remembers McDonaldland?

  Yes, it was that trippy make-believe world where all the McDonald’s characters lived in harmony. Growing up, we occasionally holed up in the corner of McDonald’s when someone’s cool mom dropped some bills on a deliciously greasy birthday party. There was usually a giant mural along the wall with all the McDonaldland characters living fantasy lives in their all-burgers-all-the-time world. If you were lucky, you might even have played on the McDonaldland playground equipment with some of these guys.

  Now everyone knows the standard characters of the Ham-burglar , who was dressed in black-and-white-striped prison garb so we knew he just broke out of the slammer. I always figured he’d gotten sick of tuna melts and grilled cheeses and just had to have his fix. And there was Mayor McCheese, who despite his giant wobbly cheeseburger head was really as suave as they come. After all, he wore a top hat, diplomat’s sash, and fancy reading specs, and I assumed he always stopped by the opera after leaving city hall. And let’s not forget everyone’s favorite, Grimace, who played the lovable purple doofus of some as-yet-unknown gender.

  But my favorite of the whole bunch was the rarely seen Uncle O’Grimacey. Basically, he was Grimace’s Irish uncle who visited every March. He looked just like Grimace too! Except he was green instead of purple and he wore a four-leaf clover vest.